Depression

I feel the need to express myself. I don't understand why blogging it feels so important: I could just write in a text document and be done with it. In addition, this is a blog nobody reads: it's not advertised, and even the ones that are mainly go unread. Lastly, this is a subject I don't want in public view for the sake of controlling my self image. I want only positive things expressed where others can see them. But I want to express these things to others at the same time. I don't understand it.

I am sad. Like any of my moods, I have no true, direct reason for it. Whether I'm happy or sad, I always have good or bad that happens in my life that I can assign as reasons for my mood, but the reality is that my moods just seem to happen. The reasoning comes after.

So if I could take the factors of my life and attribute reasons for my sadness, they would be this:

I live in a world filled to the brim with imbeciles. I'm surrounded by them, They dictate how things work. I've re-entered the workforce, and by doing so I have immersed myself into the thickest mire of morons to be found in the world. People who work for other people are by their very nature retarded automatons, and here I am among them as a means to my survival. I wasn't made to work for others. I can't do my life like everyone else. I can't take the orders of those who have no clue what the hell they're doing. I can't serve. I can't not think for myself.

I would rather appear positive and loving, and so that's how I present myself to the world. I publicly take on the position that we are all the same and everybody should be loved. The fact remains that everybody is acting at their best, and their best is a pathetic attempt at existence. I will remain outwardly positive nonetheless.

Add to this that I am alone. My wife left the marriage for no good reason that she can express or even provide the solution to. I was alone long before that: Her drug induced depression wedged between us for years. I saw it coming from the beginning, but I developed that relationship regardless, so It's my own fault for becoming so involved with such a dead-end woman.

Looking back at my life, it's not that I missed opportunities to be with better women; there were none better that presented themselves. They are all broken in some way. My loneliness now grows out of this fact: that there may never be a woman who can meet the requirements to occupy that space at the center of my heart. Certainly there isn't right now. At the age of 35, my opportunity to find such a woman, take the time to recognize that she is in fact that woman, and develop a relationship and family with that woman, is running out of time. I may have to put away the notion that I might one day have children because that one day is slipping away.

I'm not going to dive into the next relationship just to produce offspring. I told you already that, unlike everybody else in the world, I am capable of thought. There must be that one, special woman in the world to assist me with that. Having never met such a girl in this world, I have a hard time believing one exists.

I wonder if there can possibly be any other person in the world capable of thought, rather that merely aping the actions of those that programmed you?

What does "Good" mean?

I only want to do what is right, but sometimes it’s as if I were born a creature of darkness. Only by heavy exertion am I able to be good, and I’m not Atlas. I can’t exert myself all day, every day. I’m too weak.

I’ve used my religion to define what it is to perform an act of good. I’ve created a moral code for myself with my faith and my understanding of its teaching at its foundation. I know I can’t ever come close to achieving it, but I aspire to. I fail miserably on a daily basis. That’s ok: I’m a human, destined to fail. What’s important is my intent. When my actions fail, I seek forgiveness from myself, and God, and anyone I’ve unintentionally hurt. I try. Sometimes I do good, sometimes I fail. It’s the thought that counts, right?

Yesterday I forgot my dinner for my break at work. I had a couple hours so I went out to grab a sandwich. I’m in the yuppie part of town and my sandwich costs either $8 or extra miles of walking. I settle to treat myself. Buffalo Chicken sandwich. I want it to go, to eat in the privacy of my shop. I pay the $8, wait the half hor it takes to make it in the dinner rush, and carry it back.

I got right to my door. Moments away from eating, finally. I was clutching the savored treat, I was fantasizing about eating it. Soon my dreams, however small, would come true.

A man asks me for change, in a rehearsed, calmly pleading tone. He receives my standard excuse that I don’t carry cash. I don’t. He motions to my dinner, and in the same, even tone asks, “then how about a doggie bag then?” He’s wrong. Assuming my untouched, pristine meal was mere leftovers and that I had eaten my fill perhaps. That’s my dinner! I protested with salivating emotion.

For some reason, my hands were instantly stretching out. My mouth was saying, “Here, take it.” My brain was screaming at me in horror. I had a split second to comprehend there was a Christian inside of me handing out the food exactly according to the moral code I had devised, and completely opposite the desires of my mind which now welled out in anger. Without taking a single bite, I gave away my dinner.

I don’t remember if he was grateful, it didn’t matter. I was furious with myself, and I quickly locked myself inside for fear this part of my mind gripped control over my body again and what it would do. I had to stop and breath. I felt violated. I felt like I felt when I was conned out of my tax return. I felt gullible. I tried to direct anger and fault at the man, who did nothing except ask to be fed. I wanted to know why I felt so awful for doing the right thing. I demanded answers from myself. I was in emotional lament over the loss of my dinner. I was blowing this out of proportion, and didn’t understand why.

I reasoned with myself: I didn’t know if he was homeless or a wealthy CEO, and that didn’t matter. He asked to be fed, I fed him. This is how I believe we all should act. He didn’t take advantage of me. He didn’t fool me. I wasn’t shammed. I surrendered my meal voluntarily.

I had to tell myself it was okay. I did an act of good. I wouldn’t starve, and that man wouldn’t starve. I was like an Israelite in the desert. I’ve had my daily bread and the extra is for my brother. This is the economy of God at work. It didn’t matter that my intentions were the opposite of my actions, the thought doesn’t count.

Well, which is it? Does the thought or the action count? If it must be both, than I am damned. If I can be a hypocrite, and give myself the excuse that’s most convenient, then I am damned. I don’t know what to do, except be human.

My Sadness

190. Fight in the cause of Allah those who fight you, but do not transgress limits; for Allah loveth not transgressors.

191. And slay them wherever ye catch them, and turn them out from where they have Turned you out; for tumult and oppression are worse than slaughter; but fight them not at the Sacred Mosque, unless they (first) fight you there; but if they fight you, slay them. Such is the reward of those who suppress faith.

I will continue reading despite this passage of ignorance and violence. I am searching in earnest for a redeaming passage, but this book is all about how perfect muslims are, and how wrong everyone else is.

This makes me sad. Islam is not a religion of peace as it appears so far. It lacks forgiveness and understanding, and is completely counter to the words and actions of Christ. I am only at the beginning though-- maybe there is redemption.

I hope.

The Gift of Water

84. And remember We took your covenant (to this effect): Shed no blood amongst you, nor turn out your own people from your homes: and this ye solemnly ratified, and to this ye can bear witness.

85. After this it is ye, the same people, who slay among yourselves, and banish a party of you from their homes; assist (Their enemies) against them, in guilt and rancour; and if they come to you as captives, ye ransom them, though it was not lawful for you to banish them.

Here we are. These are words ignored by Islamic Extremists who kidnap and kill in the name of God. May they be stripped of the adjective "Islamic" for failing to heed their own beliefs.

94. Say: "If the last Home, with Allah, be for you specially, and not for anyone else, then seek ye for death, if ye are sincere."

95. But they will never seek for death, on account of the (sins) which their hands have sent on before them. and Allah is well-acquainted with the wrong-doers.

A lord in the desert offers you a glass of water. You drink only half and spill the rest on the ground. Then you approach the lord and say, "I have drank all my water, may I now have the wine?" Do you think he will give you wine?

I think I'd rather drink the water and find I am unable to finish the cup. And when the lord comes for me, I will say, "I'm sorry, I tried to finish but my stomach was filled and you gave me more than I could ever possibly finish."

And I believe the lord will say, "That was the point. We are in a desert."

Is it that whenever there comes to you an apostle with what ye yourselves desire not, ye are puffed up with pride?- Some ye called impostors, and others ye slay!

And there is my own spiritual quandary. I dance on the edge of calling Paul an impostor. What if one claiming to be an apostle says one thing, and another claiming to be an apostle claims the opposite? Who truly speaks for the Lord? If both, then we will always reject the Lord's word no matter what we do. I'm afraid I will die without coming to an end of this logical loop.

This is how my cup is more than I could ever drink. This is why I will never be so arrogant that I believe I have come to the end of my spiritual path and can empty the Gift of Life onto the ground in favor of the Lord's company. We will never be worthy, we are dependent on His forgiveness completely.

Be humble.

The Cow

Those who believe (in the Qur'an), and those who follow the Jewish (scriptures), and the Christians and the Sabians,- any who believe in Allah and the Last Day, and work righteousness, shall have their reward with their Lord; on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

The Queran so far states that the righteous will be rewarded and the sinners bring punishment on themselves. It has not yet defined the distinction between the two except for this paragraph (I have not finished this sura yet).

It also continues to recount a summary of the Israelites and their flight from Egypt, and how time and again they were forgiven and helped by God, and time and again they turned their back to Him. I had taken the meaning to apply to all people: we do this in our lives and in our ignorance. The Bible teaches us to be patient with others because we ourselves require much patience. However, I believe there are those who use this anecdote to reject the Jews, as if it applies to their history only, and not our own nature. Sawdust in their eye while we have a plank in our own.

In a very Paul-like way, the Quran encourages its reader to turn his back on the sinner, using the tale of the Jews and their recurring offenses as an example of how no matter how many times forgiveness is given, the sinner will return to his old ways. This contradicts Christ, however, who stated that if a son were to betray you seven times and ask forgiveness seven times, you should forgive him every time. Yes, we know he will probably turn back after gaining forgiveness, but we must forgive, because we are much the same even if we don't see it.

Humans require infinite patience. If we want to receive such patience from God (and oh how we need it) then we will need to know what it's like to show such patience to others.

Qran

Having completed reading the book of Revelations, I have set aside the Bible for a time. There is much that wasn't understood in my reading, and many chapters in the Old Testament that I had missed-- and that I will want to get back to. Regardless, I have made more progress, in both reading and understanding, than in previous attempts to read. I have provided myself with many concepts to mentally digest, and hold up to the world around me to compare and contrast. The holy books are meant for more than simply reading; they must be applied to life in order to understand them, whether you believe in them or not.

This then brings me to a promise I made to myself at the beginning of the year: To read the Qran, and learn its true message. I want to know if Islam is a faith that is intended to be centered on bloodshed and hatred, or if our gods are the same.

This book opens as the Bible does, and speaks of Adam, and the covenant with Israel. I see from this that Islam believes that Allah is the same as the God of Abraham, who is also the God of the Christians.

Does he then have the same message for us as he does for them? Or does he truly charge them to clean this world in a rampage of ignorance?

Not as Bad as All That

I just wanted to say, that I am reading James now and it makes perfect sense. Paul isn't all that bad, despite my several posts of complaint. His writings just take a little more scrutiny and thought, and I don't think enough people who read them give him that.

Paul's writings require analysis, meditation, and deep thought. If you just take his words at the surface, you don't do him justice, and you might do more harm than good.